This Fragranced Soy Candle

I had a really hard time deciding which fragranced soy candle best defined me as a man. I was standing there in Target for like ten minutes, hungrily inhaling the redolent aromas of Coconut Bay, Garden Hideaway, Celery Fantasia, Motorboatin’, Dryer Sheet, Biceps, New Cheese, Curious Beaver, Ham It Up. All delightful, but would they really create the vibe I’m looking for?

For you see, when I light a fragranced soy candle, I do so with purpose. I know some guys out there blow up the commode and just want to cover it up with Hazelnut Daydream or whatever but I’m trying to create a mood over here. I want me and my fresh-faced companion — lured to my apartment with an offer to help her study for the GED — to be transported to an exotic realm of the senses, one that is intoxicating, overwhelming, dangerous, much like myself.

This morning I fired up WordStar and scripted out exactly how things will go:

THE LADY: Holy shit it smells nice in this piece!

MOI: Would milady enjoy a champagne cocktail with almost no spanish fly in it?

THE LADY: My underpants just falled down!

Anyway I went with Creamy Nutmeg. Just took it for a test spin and it’s super lackluster. My date tonight might be into boning inside a pumpkin pie — pretty likely, considering I picked her up in the alley behind an IHOP — but that’s not really the transcendent experience I was hoping to provide, gratis.

And that’s when it hit me: What I really want is to fill her sinuses with my natural odor. That heady melange of musk, mousse, latex, peanut butter, taint, and whatever soap was on sale. I hereby endeavor to distill this powerful essence into soy candle form! And when I succeed, you shall see no further blogging from this hombre! For he will be extreme snowboarding down a mountain of euros and landing face first in a classy kidney-shaped swimming pool filled with diamond-encrusted classy prostitutes! Goodbye forever!

» Rating: THREE SEXY LADIES