Your Baby

No yeah he’s cute but here’s the thing. I was led to believe this baby was somehow special. “Aiden has such wisdom.” Direct quote! “Aiden has a real ear for music.” But so far all I’m seeing is pretty standard baby material. Some crying, some drooling, the inability to control his head or arms or anything, really. Classic baby. I was expecting this thing to be doing cartwheels or algebra or funny impressions. I was really looking forward to an evening of getting my mind asploded by some next-level baby shit, something I could film and somehow make money from on the YouTube.

And I know I said before how cute he was but I think we both know the truth. I’m sure six months from now when everything’s popped out and smoothed over he’ll be a looker, but right now he’s got this Hervé Villechaize Just Snorted Some Cheap Cocaine And Then Ate A Whole Bag Of Donettes kind of vibe going on. He’s sort of sweaty and bloated and frankly I’m not a fan of the smell. I thought babies’ heads were supposed to smell amazing but this smells like a monkey diaper that just got back from Burning Man and that is some straight talk.

Also: I think this baby might be retarded. Hold up! Before you get all mad, I’m not using that word as an insult but rather as an accurate, medical description so I’m pretty sure it’s not offensive. I mean this baby just ate all the pennies I put in his mouth. Like didn’t even think twice. Yeah well that’s a coincidence because I can’t wait to get the hell out of your trailer. Chicks with kids sort of kill my boner anyway. Thanks for nothing, Match.com!

» Rating: TWO SEXY LADIES AND I’M BEING GENEROUS HERE