That Broken Toilet

Boy what a time I had in the office bathroom! Get this: I go into one of the stalls and see there is still pee in the bowl. Wait there’s more. I briefly consider moving to the next stall but that’d be a middle stall, and who wants a middle stall. Nobody is who. So I flush the toilet and it gets going on a very hearty, loud, industrial-strength flush, the kind you can only get in office buildings. I stand there and admire its thoroughness.

OK, Josh, so far nothing noteworthy! Your story is delivering exactly zero goods! Aha but here comes the surprise twist: The toilet never stops flushing. It just keeps churning away! This roaring flush is locked in an endless loop! It will not stop for anything or anybody.

I am of course frozen in terror. Should I fruitlessly jiggle the handle? Burst into tears? Run away? These were all very me options but I did come in here for a reason, so I say whatever and sit right down on the flushing commode and get to business. And I’m so glad I did! Check it:

1. The constant flushing provides a nice level of white noise, which covers up all other bathroom-related sounds. This puts the user at ease, minimizing embarrassment and encouraging him to void with gusto.
2. All waste product is immediately whisked away, as if it were never there to begin with. This makes the user feel like a being of pure light, above the petty and corporeal concerns of ordinary men.
3. The splashback from the neverending flush provides gentle bidet-like action, which users find both titillating and refreshing.
4. Said bidet action and decadent waste of water make the user feel like a member of a royal family or maybe a chairman of an awesome board. The user may find himself engorged with a sense of cruel entitlement, and think less fondly of his loved ones, who suddenly seem crass and filthy.

I was in there for like half an hour. The thing was still flushing when I finally left. I felt dapper and confident. I was a man who could crush the whole world in his mighty fist.

» Rating: EIGHT SEXY LADIES