This Greeting Card From My Aunt

Where to begin. First off, it’s a Hanukkah card and on the front it says Jews do it for eight days. Inside, the words L’chaim Kaelee! Love, Mom have been angrily crossed out.

We are not Jewish and I do not know who Kaelee is and anyway it’s April, so I’m thinking my aunt was looking for bargains in a long-forgotten dumpster, saw the card and was all eureka! because she’s a chronicles* skinflint of the “take a razor blade and slice open the spent tube of toothpaste to scrape out a few more brushings’ worth” school.

(*“Chronicles” is my hip fresh slang for “ridiculous,” which stemmed from saying that something ridiculous is “chronicles of ridic” which stemmed from the terrific Vin Diesel opus Chronicles of Riddick. Use it in good health.)

Or maybe she saw it on a coworker’s desk and just thought: You know what? Fuck you and your dumb ugly fat face, Kaelee. Go fall into a pit of poo and polio. My mother never sent me a nice fancy card with nice fancy words in it. (This is true. In case there’s any confusion over where the skinflintiness came from, my grandmother would send blank birthday cards and ask that you send them back so she could reuse them for somebody else, somebody who deserved an actual handwritten message, most likely that minister at her church who liked to wear shirts that, and I quote, “really show off his nips.”

Anyway L’chaim has been replaced with HAVE YOU READ THIS ARTICLE????? (Never any fewer than five punctuation marks for my aunt, which lends innocent subject lines like WILL WE SEE YOU AT EASTER????? a kind of desperate intensity.)

There is no article. There is, however, a check for $25 made out to Alex Trebeck [sic]. The memo reads: “Thinking about you.”

» Rating: NINE SEXY LADIES