The People On This Bus

Teenager With “Koяn” Tattooed By His Eye: You were probably, what, four years old when Korn was forced upon us? That’s like me getting a DEBBIE BOONE 4 LIFE tattoo and yes I know that doesn’t mean anything to you and by the way it’s on your eyeeeeeeee oh god did you mean to do that? Here on out, you’ll only be able to have sex with blind chicks (who are hot, I’ll grant you) and only be able to work at off-brand gas stations where people go to do murder in the bathroom.

Little Girl Staring At Me, Just Staring: What, you’ve never seen a grown-ass man eat cotton candy on a bus before? This is my lunch, Ringu. Go freak out somebody else.

Morbidly Obese Man In Poncho, Coughing Horrifically And Nonstop: Sometimes I like to imagine what people looked like when they were kids.

The Bus Driver: Maybe three potholes away from abandoning this bus in an intersection, tearing off his clothes and running and running until his legs give out, his words distorted by sobs.

Angry Businesswoman w/Bluetooth: It’s just a PowerPoint. How important could it be, really, in the grand scheme of things? A grand scheme that also includes you finding, for the first time in your life, a real emotional connection to another human being, unlocking a new world of mindblowing experiences you never thought possible (hint hint: Pokemon cosplay), and finding it in the unlikeliest of people: me, sitting across from you, eating cotton candy and reading Eat Pray Love upside down.

Me: Nice Crocs, asshole.

» Rating (Avg.): TWO SEXY LADIES