My New Chewing Pens

OK look. We’ve known each other for a while and I feel comfortable saying that I have this thing where I need to be chewing on a pen. Not like all day long all night strong, just when I’m sitting here and concentrating and typing these genius words for you free of charge. Just to bring a wistful smile to your delicately stubbled cheek.

Anyway the other day I finally chewed off the end of my chewing pen. I gave it a hero’s funeral in the toilet, which is normal, and then tried another pen but it didn’t feel right. Too big and roundy! My old chewing pen was your standard classic meat-and-potatoes Paper Mate with a nice tapered end that felt good in my mouth. You know how sometimes you’ll put something in your mouth and just go: Yes. That belongs there. That is going to be in my mouth a loooong time. It was like that. These other pens? Shit garbage.

Which is how I found myself at Walgreens shopping for pens to chew on. Sure, I picked up a couple other things—a Quickscreen At Home Cocaine Drug Test, a Liberator Wedge/Ramp Combo (in leopard print) for adventurous but comfortable lovemaking—but my soul knew what I was really there for.

Guess what: No sign of my regular missionary-style Paper Mate. All the pens there looked like anime dildos. Just a lot of glitz and glamour I don’t need. I found some crappy ones that might fit the bill but the packaging obscured the bottom so I couldn’t be sure! But whatever, 20-pack for 99¢. I pulled that trigger.

I hurried home, locked the door, closed the blinds, and gently—oh so gently!—ripped open the package and watched as the gleaming new pens tumbled out. I poured myself a drink, put on my Wednesday housecoat, picked up a pen, and placed it delicately between my lips.

Shit garbage. My evening ruined, I slouched to my typing machine to share this wretched experience with you, Dear Reader. But I found that, without a proper chewing pen, the words would not come. So how are you reading this, you ask? I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense.

» Rating: ONE SEXY LADIES