My New Couch

Goodbye, gross stained lawn chair that smells like a bad night at IHOP! The emperor here needed an upgrade and this couch is like Beta 3.0 Vista Extreme or something I don’t really know about computers. Run your eyes along its length. Look at—but do not touch!—its lascivious curves and—I SAID NO TOUCHING—and its decadent plushness. Lean in close and take a nice long whiff. Yeah I know, what is that? Scotchgard? I’m sure it’ll wear off soon enough.

Things will happen on, around, and to that couch, make no mistake. That couch will be witness to a nonstop parade of total crazy. I will watch movies where a car runs into a monkey and they both just fucking explode and I will play video games where you do sick combos to karate-chop demon nuns into space. I will put my arms around the ladies on either side of me and sing “Wanted Dead or Alive” and evaporate panties. I will sleep a black, dreamless sleep. I will read Moby-Dick or whatever.

Now get out. My couch and I need to get to know each other better. The first time is always special, if you catch my—seriously, dude, leave. No yeah I’ll call you later with the deets. Go. You’re being really creepy right now.

» Rating: SEVEN SEXY LADIES