The Shoes I Just Bought Online

These shoes are really going to turn things around for the kid here. I’ve made a lot of poor life decisions over the years but I’m pretty sure that’s all about to change. People are gonna be like this guy is kind of suddenly blowing my mind. You know? There’s something about him that makes me want to learn more.

Ladies’ll be biting their fists. They’ll push down their sunglasses to get a better look, not believing their eyes. They’ll lean in and “casually” touch my bicep while telling me a hilarious story. They’ll find excuses to smell my musk. They’ll let me put things in them, like whatever and wherever, with no regard for safety or decency because they’re basically just wild animals at that point.

Guys’ll shout out oh snap now the party can begin! when I strut into the rec center. They’ll give me non-emasculating nicknames like Meat or Bonecrusher. They’ll ask me to go on fishing trips which I’ll turn down in a way that makes us all feel good about it. They’ll clap me on the back when we hug. They’ll stumble over their words as they try to say I love you and finally just give up and say this guy, watch out for this guy, he’s trouble.

I’m gonna machete through life with these shoes. And if they disappoint me like everything else ever at least I can ship them back for free. Zappos—Powered by service!®

» Rating: TBD