Pennies

I straight up do not have time for this shit. I’m not saying I’m so rich I don’t need them in my life—I mean I only have one microwave—but I think we can all agree that pennies are the worst invention since the camera my mom secretly installed in the bathroom to monitor my masturbation frequency, or perhaps the resulting PowerPoint presentation given at my birthday party.

Anyway have you ever tasted a penny? Terrible. Roll a nickel around in your mouth and you feel like a goddamn cowboy out on the wide open plains chasing a tornado away with your mustache, but suck on a penny and you feel like an asshole kid who can’t spell very good and struggles with the Slurpee dispenser.

PRO TIP: I know times are tough, but once a week take a couple pennies and just throw them away. And be showy about it! Take a handful from your car ashtray and fling them out into the street. The dull clatter against the pavement is the sound of decadent freedom.

Got chewed out by the boss? On your way out throw some pennies in the recycling bin. He’ll be impressed with your lackadaisical approach to finance. This kid knows something I don’t, he’ll think later that night as he pays a woman to take a straight razor to his neck hair, slowly, so slowly, the only time he ever really feels anything.

» Rating: ONE SEXY LADIES