Target Mouthwash

Let me paint you a word picture and shove it in your word hole. Dusk is falling. There’s a chill in the air. I breathe in the world and savor its sweet beauty. A child laughs at something stupid. A fucking bird does something. I stroll into Target and let its splendor splash all over my body.

I’m about to pick up a topical antifungal ointment when I see this wall of twinkling blue. It’s an enormous display of Target’s knockoff mouthwash, glistening and pure. I pick up a giant bottle and bring it home, cradling it my arms like a baby except it doesn’t give me the creeps.

I lug it to the bathroom and try to open it but it’s huge and unwieldy (the mouthwash). I finally get the cap off and like a gallon comes flying out and I almost drop it and it’s like wrangling one of those giant water cooler bottles and I’m just, I’m just about near tears at this point, you guys.

It gets worse. It won’t fit in my medicine cabinet so I have to leave it out by the sink. It just looks dirtball. Let’s say I have an extremely young ladyfriend over—just, could you, you know, roll with it?—and she bolts to the commode and sees this store-brand econo-size thing of mouthwash at the ready, what’s she gonna think? I’ll tell you what: This guy must have something seriously gross going on in his mouth and I’m not sticking anything in there ever. And suddenly she’s not interested in watching Project Runway and getting our cuddle on.

Then I’m struck, again, as usual, by total genius. I’ll decant this mouthwash. I’ll put it in a nice fancy bottle. It’ll be easy to chug and it’ll look like some kind of sick-ass mana potion.

Revised scenario: Ladyfriend of legal age makes a break for the john and spies this seductive elixir by the Q-tips. Ooh la la, she thinks. This guy is classy as shit. I will let him destroy me emotionally.

The only bottle I could find was a Good Seasons cruet but good enough. Check out this beaut:

I haven’t actually tried it because the bottle wasn’t super clean and it’ll probably taste like minty Italian dressing but whatever my breath naturally smells like midnight jasmine so I’m not too worried.

» Rating: EIGHT SEXY LADIES