My Asleep Foot

“Oh god. Oh my god.”

“What, is your foot asleep?”

“How’d you know?”

“You sit like an asshole and it makes your foot fall asleep.”

“Honey, it kills and I can’t walk on it and I have to go to the bathroom immediately.”

“You want me to carry you to the bathroom.”

“Just … just escort me.”

“Say it. You want me. To carry you. To the bathroom.”

“Please hurry.”

“I will do this—stop flapping your arms—I will do this for you. But know this: You will no longer be a man. If we ever have sex again, which we won’t, it will be perfunctory for me and humiliating for you.”

“It already is. But I think you might take a kind of perverse pleasure in carrying me to the bathroom and it’ll open up all sorts of hot new doors for us.”

“You think maybe my pity and shame will somehow turn to lust?”

“It’s my best bet.”

“OK let’s find out. You were right about that Thai restaurant.”

“Here we go. Step on the gas.”

“I’m suddenly extremely horny. I’m confused by these feelings. I need to be alone to process them.”

“Pick me back up!”

“I think we should spend some time apart forever.”

“I don’t even have to go anymore so whatever I win.”

» Rating: ONE SEXY LADIES [sic]