The Cocktail I Just Invented

Dear Suddenly Stop Caring,

Do you like the name I came up with for you? I don’t think Raspberry Lemonade Crystal Light + Whatever The Cheapest Vodka Is is a standard cocktail so it fell upon me to christen you. Other ideas I came up with during the three-hour whiteboard session: Me Time, Wild Commute, Will You Please Just Shut Up, Uncle Boris’ Problem Eraser.

You are delightfully pink and deliciously low carb and when I drink you I can almost feel the electric blue taffeta against my skin because I’m wearing a hideous prom dress because I’m a big fat girl.

But it’s just you and me here, Suddenly Stop Caring. No judgment, just—beg pardon? You say you want me to buy the deluxe edition of George Michael’s Faith with bonus remixes just because you sort of like the title song? You got it, old chum.

And then get on Facebook and look up ex-girlfriends and post comments with little in-jokes from twenty years ago that will surely surprise and delight them? How about this: “Hi Meredith! I hope you still like ‘romancing the bone’ lol!” Aw she’s really gonna get a charge out of that, Suddenly Stop Caring. You have lots of good ideas.

Turn on the TV and see how long it takes to see boobs? You = genius! Pee not really in the toilet? Check! Strip down naked and eat grape jelly out of the jar with my fingers? That is a can-do, amigo!

Let’s cry for a couple minutes, bro Just yiu andme

looka my king fu movesds! KARAATER CHOP!! u gota have faitha faith faisdkmskfffffffff

» Rating: THREE SEXY LADIES