These Jeans

Did the title of this review put a certain Heart song in your head? How about now? Moving on, these jeans have not been washed in a really really—OK enough, we’ve been through too much shit over the years for me to sugarcoat things now. These jeans have never been washed.

God it feels so good to finally say the words. I don’t know. I was breaking them in for a while, and then they missed a couple laundry days, and before I knew it 18 months had gone by. Seasons changed. We lost Corey Haim. Clouds raced across the sky real quick. Animals evolved into new animals, like with wings or thumbs. And yet I continued to wear them, unwashed, caked with filth, emitting a stench that can only be described as a crotchy funk fiesta.

Why? Because my ass looks A-1 dope in them. Is why. And I’m worried that if I wash them, the ass spell will be broken and it will suddenly look like any old busted pair of ham hocks doing gross wrestling moves on each other. Call me vain if you want but you won’t because you’ll be struck dumb by the vision of my ass in these jeans, perfect and eternal, a place you’d like to call home, finally settling down after years of wandering, maybe start a little garden and get to work on that novel you always—wait what if I said these jeans go on when I close my eyes. What about then.

» Rating: SIX SEXY LADIES