The Treadmill

Hey there, guy doing creepy squats. And a good evening to you, mama. No big whoop, just here to blow this treadmill’s mind. Excuse me a sec while I tear away my tearaway pants—kazaam! Go ahead. Take a nice long look at my moisture-wicking short shorts. Imprint them in your mind so you have a clear image to work with later tonight as you light some candles, punch open a box of vino, draw a bath, and just flat out go to town on your parts.

Gonna kick the treadmill up to level 42. It feels like you’re running up the side of a fucking cliff. It’s pretty intense. I wouldn’t recommend it for you. Your legs are like little girl sticks. I could probably knock you over without it being a big deal at all. You see these? These get you up that cliff. In style.

OK, good run. Yeah thirty seconds is basically all the emperor needs. Yeah, the emperor. You mind rubbing down the emperor’s glutes with this post-workout toning oil I made myself? It’s two parts Wesson, one part AXE Dark Temptation shower gel and one part shhh not tellin, girl, OK twist my arm, it’s love. And sex juice.

Does my stretching showcase my testicles? Sorry about that just kidding. You’re welcome. No that was you who farted, pretty sure.

» Rating: FIVE SEXY LADIES