This Thing Of Chapstick

Come closer, mon petit chou. I have generously applied deodorant that smells like a lumberjack fresh out of a clear mountain stream. I have swished mouthwash until it burned my gums like a sexual fire. I didn’t floss because come on, really? But I did shave. Everywhere. And I got in there real good with a Q-tip. I am ready to receive your makeouts.

No, wait! I forgot the glistening cherry atop the hot fudge sundae that is my face. A nice thick smear of my trusty ChapStick® True Shimmer® Botanical Berry will prepare my lips for the imminent onslaught of making out, and give them a subtle shine that I think you’ll—

What? Oh. Yeah, sure, that’s cool. No yeah, I appreciate your honesty. Sure, um, let me go ahead and tell you about our specials today. We’ve got a real nice French onion soup. It’s super delish. Probably my favorite thing on the menu after the cheesecake shooters. Which are to die for, by the way.

» Rating: TWO SEXY LADIES