104 Degrees

It’s 104 degrees out today and the city is nothing but tit-sweat and ball-reek. Our minds are blasted blank. Our souls are the black flakes peeled off a charred wiener. Our bodies are damp bags of gross. Our feet are like some kind of goddamn barf apocalypse.

The street is a tableau of misery. An old lady sits down on the sidewalk and cries. A little girl says the c-word. A dog basically dies. A guy has a machete.

I get on the bus and immediately start tallying up all the bad life decisions that brought me to this moment. I’m first hit by a fetid tsunami of stench, like someone found a bunch of fresh corpse taints and tried in vain to cover up the odor with patchouli and zoo farts. But that’s nothing compared to the vibe in here. Everyone has clearly divided up into factions and is ready to start murdering. “Margaritaville” blares from a boombox. I lose track of how many naked screaming babies are clutching at my leg hair with tiny greasy fingies. The bus driver won’t stop laughing.

I tear away my tearaway pants to reveal my novelty underwear that says Complimentary Gynecological Exams—Inquire Within. It seems to calm everyone down. Three days later we’ve formed a tight-knit community behind a Wendy’s. Our economy is strong. Tonight I take the first watch. There is a good woman here, Shinga, who I feel will bear me brave, obedient children. Perhaps tomorrow I will give her my LIVESTRONG bracelet, a symbol of commitment in our tribe.

» Rating: 104 SEXY LADIES OH GOD MY RATING SCALE IS MEANINGLESS