January 2012
3 posts
Going To The Bank
Get a loaf of this (no way am I fixing that sweet typo): I had to go to the bank today. The bank. Like inside? The building?
I don’t think I’ve stepped foot in a bank since Stephen Hawking invented ATMs because who am I, Liberace or whatever with fancy financial things to do? Like I need a small business loan to start a cat combing company? (Note to self: !!!)
But I had no choice so I...
Going Over That Big Bump
I’m driving down the road and as usual I’m thinking the big thoughts. (I do not have small thoughts.) (My smallest thought ever was probably peanut butter and spicy ranch pretzel chains and that still netted me nine large on Kickstarter.) I’m distracted by the gorgeous day, smooth and curvaceous, zaftig and callipygous, smelling like deodorant that smells like mouthwash’d makeouts in a freshly...
2012
I awake on New Year’s Day to discover my fingers stuck in ten different vodka bottles. They make a terrible clatter as I somehow manage to don my kimono emblazoned with a .44 Magnum Colt Anaconda and the words I WILL DESERT STORM DAT ASS in Papyrus. I wait for my boner to subside and then go outside to greet 2012. The wintry air is invigorating upon my boner which did not subside. The year...
September 2011
1 post
Splashing Water On My Face
Life presses down gently but firmly, its hands enormous and dry. I try to be strong but, you know, sometimes I buckle. Sometimes I just buckle and pout and fling my arms around like boo hoo I went to private school I deserve better! The buckling, the entitlement, I’m pretty sure it’s a genetic thing so it’s not really my fault. It’s like how I can roll my tongue and I’m morbidly obese...
July 2011
1 post
Hanging Out With Indiana Jones
“What you got there?”
“Uh. A popsicle.”
“What flavor?”
“It’s. It’s strawberry. Well, technically it’s kiwi strawberry.”
“Looks refreshing.”
“Indy, I know it’s not the manliest treat in the world.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“I mean it’s pretty hot out so like—”
“That’s why I carry this canteen filled with river water.”
“And I have to slowly suck it like this...
June 2011
2 posts
My Erotic Thriller So Far
Jack Delt had a long, stressful day at his job as a PHP ninja. He went to unwind at his local watering hole, Dave’s Alcohol. As he ordered a Suddenly Stop Caring his eyes fell upon the stunning gams of a stone cold fox. He slowly cast his gaze up the gams, past the vagina area, up to where the boobs are and then finally to her eyes. He was pleased to note she was looking right back at him not in...
This Fragranced Soy Candle
I had a really hard time deciding which fragranced soy candle best defined me as a man. I was standing there in Target for like ten minutes, hungrily inhaling the redolent aromas of Coconut Bay, Garden Hideaway, Celery Fantasia, Motorboatin’, Dryer Sheet, Biceps, New Cheese, Curious Beaver, Ham It Up. All delightful, but would they really create the vibe I’m looking for?
For you see, when I...
May 2011
3 posts
This Sharpie
I’m in my cubicle and decide to take a little break from providing value to draw a picture of Boba Fett on my desk with a Sharpie. I’m not good at drawing hands or legs or feet or Boba Fett so I have him hiding in a dumpster, which I can sort of draw. As I ponder my art with avuncular fondness, I idly dangle the Sharpie by my nose and take a long, desperate huff. The dumpster peels itself from the...
rebftw asked: hey josh. just wondering if you have any insights into how a girl can approach a guy with a 100% rate of success on a night out? what do i gotta do to lock it down? i play to win, so gimme an ACE. thanks a bundle, reb
7-Eleven, 12:45AM
Nobody is happy to be here. No one is proud of the decisions they’re making right now. Nothing good will come of this. Our night will not be taking a good turn because of the corn dog rollers, the egg salad sandwich, the porn magazine entitled FUGGO, the 64 fluid ounces of Pepsi mixed with Diet Pepsi, the lottery ticket, the tampons, the 5-hour energy shot, or, in my case, all of the above.
I...
April 2011
10 posts
This Taco
OK, yes, technically, this is indeed material inside an edible wrapper, but otherwise it’s more gastrointestinal doomsday device than taco. The meat is a fetid gritty paste the color of crib death. The cheese has both the flavor and texture of a ribbed, lubricated condom and don’t ask how I know that. The lettuce is, I believe, cleverly decorated slivers of construction paper. The sour cream is...
Making Small Talk With My Friend's Kid
“You’re, what, like four years old?”
“Nine.”
“Wow, you look great, bro. So what are you into these days? Pokemon? Uh. Pogs?”
“I think a lot about space.”
“Outer space.”
“Yeah.”
“Flying saucers and shit?”
“Space is vast.”
“Look at you with the vast.”
“Some of the stars we see today might’ve blown up a long time ago. We don’t know.”
“Pretty freaky, man. What’s your...
Denny's
It’s an old story. I enjoy my Maple Bacon Sundae, which is a real thing, punctuated by quick hits from the flask I keep tucked in my jorts. The taste of banana schnapps reminds me of a very special evening in a very special McDonald’s PlayPlace. I am alone, but not lonely—if that makes any sense lol? The happy hum of my fellow diners keeps my spirits high. My erection is hardly noticeable.
My...
Anonymous asked: I start Eleven Sexy Women webblog to be more better than yours. My lawyer will suck the cock of you! Legal bad man.
Your Baby
No yeah he’s cute but here’s the thing. I was led to believe this baby was somehow special. “Aiden has such wisdom.” Direct quote! “Aiden has a real ear for music.” But so far all I’m seeing is pretty standard baby material. Some crying, some drooling, the inability to control his head or arms or anything, really. Classic baby. I was expecting this thing to be doing cartwheels or algebra or funny...
That Broken Toilet
Boy what a time I had in the office bathroom! Get this: I go into one of the stalls and see there is still pee in the bowl. Wait there’s more. I briefly consider moving to the next stall but that’d be a middle stall, and who wants a middle stall. Nobody is who. So I flush the toilet and it gets going on a very hearty, loud, industrial-strength flush, the kind you can only get in office...
Anonymous asked: How can I pick up a woman?
The Dressing Room At Old Navy
The mannequin seemed so happy, so carefree in his plaid shirt and cargo shorts, forever about to throw a frisbee. That could be me, I thought. Maybe at my summer house on the lake, playing badminton or no wait something manlier like rugby, the manicured lawn cooling my feet which are normal sized, the kind of feet that don’t make people recoil. I am trim and effortless and I do not sunburn. I’m...
This Greeting Card From My Aunt
Where to begin. First off, it’s a Hanukkah card and on the front it says Jews do it for eight days. Inside, the words L’chaim Kaelee! Love, Mom have been angrily crossed out.
We are not Jewish and I do not know who Kaelee is and anyway it’s April, so I’m thinking my aunt was looking for bargains in a long-forgotten dumpster, saw the card and was all eureka! because she’s a chronicles* skinflint...
The People On This Bus
Teenager With “Koяn” Tattooed By His Eye: You were probably, what, four years old when Korn was forced upon us? That’s like me getting a DEBBIE BOONE 4 LIFE tattoo and yes I know that doesn’t mean anything to you and by the way it’s on your eyeeeeeeee oh god did you mean to do that? Here on out, you’ll only be able to have sex with blind chicks (who are hot, I’ll grant you) and only be able to...
March 2011
22 posts
My New Chewing Pens
OK look. We’ve known each other for a while and I feel comfortable saying that I have this thing where I need to be chewing on a pen. Not like all day long all night strong, just when I’m sitting here and concentrating and typing these genius words for you free of charge. Just to bring a wistful smile to your delicately stubbled cheek.
Anyway the other day I finally chewed off the end of my...
Nine Inch Nails
The smoke from my cigarette intertwines with the summer evening’s torpid air, heavy with jasmine and an unnameable longing. The crickets sing their jittery song, punctuated by the creak of the porch swing. Do you remember that night in Havana? I ask her.
Of course, she says.
And do you remember what you said to me? I ask.
Of course, she says, the barest hint of pink colouring her cheeks.
...
Thomas Jefferson
T-Jeff looks a little like Robert Redford and a lot like a big slab of hot hunk, you ask me. I mean you know he was a full-on player. He had all kinds of fillies on the side. There were at least a couple dozen slave kids running around Monticello with his face. But when you’re sporting a kisser like that, it’s kind of your duty to spread it around as much as possible. That’s what my mommy tells...
My New Couch
Goodbye, gross stained lawn chair that smells like a bad night at IHOP! The emperor here needed an upgrade and this couch is like Beta 3.0 Vista Extreme or something I don’t really know about computers. Run your eyes along its length. Look at—but do not touch!—its lascivious curves and—I SAID NO TOUCHING—and its decadent plushness. Lean in close and take a nice long whiff. Yeah I know, what is...
This Date So Far
I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves here, but I think it’s going superbly. You’re looking ravishing—and ravishable. Your hair is overcomplicated in a good way. Your succulent breasts are like quivering balloons of gentle flesh. You’re enjoying your turkey leg with gusto, and that pleases me.
That racist joke you told was quite the barnburner! Most of the ladies I take out on the town do not...
That One King Soopers
Maybe it’s the fact that it’s located inside a parking garage complete with rape-friendly flickering fluorescents. Or maybe it’s the guy wearing pretty much nothing but a strategically located Pringles can who stands by the broken vending machine out front, winking, just winking at everyone who goes by, everybody gets a friendly wink, free of charge! Or maybe it’s the Saigon ’72 vibe of the...
My New Moleskine Notebook
Chum, you and me are going to blow the face off people’s faces. Years from now, creepy old historians will open you with trembling fingers, hardly daring to gaze upon the treasures inside. Your blank canvas—so achingly virginal!—will soon be filled with the seed of my genius in a non-gross way.
Sketches of people across from me on the subway, perfectly capturing their sad, broken lives. Poems...
My Penthouse Letter
Dear Penthouse,
I never thought I’d write a letter like this because a) got no hands and b) am super illiterate and c) do they even make Penthouse anymore? and d) don’t people just use the internet for naked ladies? and e) wait, do people even write actual letters on paper anymore, I mean isn’t that sort of played out and corny? and f) I forget what f was for.
But then something...
The Shoes I Just Bought Online
These shoes are really going to turn things around for the kid here. I’ve made a lot of poor life decisions over the years but I’m pretty sure that’s all about to change. People are gonna be like this guy is kind of suddenly blowing my mind. You know? There’s something about him that makes me want to learn more.
Ladies’ll be biting their fists. They’ll push down their sunglasses to get a better...
The Automatic Gas Station Car Wash
Just got a killer car wash, dudes. It’s global warm up in this mug today so I figured I’d treat the Corolla to the deluxe, throwing down six bills that I had in my velcro wallet because I’m basically rich as hell. I got the tri-color foam action, bottom blaster, straight up Rain-X®, the works. Only the best. I don’t give a fuck.
I got a little nervous when the brushes thudded against my...
This Donnybrook With Liquid Smoke
I’m at The Connection just minding my own and enjoying a loud drink when here comes Liquid Smoke with the scimitar. I have just enough time to kick over my table and use it as a shield and pee my pants a little.
The sword gets stuck in the table and Smoke has trouble pulling it out. I clock her pretty good on the head with my tumbler and maybe get some gin in her eyes for good measure. I’m...
The Shawshank Redemption
“I dunno. It doesn’t look so bad.”
“Prison?”
“Yeah. Look at the nice haircuts they all have.”
“And jaunty caps.”
“Total jaunty caps. Slimming denim outfits. You get good exercise. Fresh air. Drink beer out in the sun.”
“You do get raped from time to time.”
“Yeah but only at first. Then the rapers get beat up real good and you’re in the clear for like twenty years.”
“From then on it’s...
Pennies
I straight up do not have time for this shit. I’m not saying I’m so rich I don’t need them in my life—I mean I only have one microwave—but I think we can all agree that pennies are the worst invention since the camera my mom secretly installed in the bathroom to monitor my masturbation frequency, or perhaps the resulting PowerPoint presentation given at my birthday party.
Anyway have you ever...
Target Mouthwash
Let me paint you a word picture and shove it in your word hole. Dusk is falling. There’s a chill in the air. I breathe in the world and savor its sweet beauty. A child laughs at something stupid. A fucking bird does something. I stroll into Target and let its splendor splash all over my body.
I’m about to pick up a topical antifungal ointment when I see this wall of twinkling blue. It’s an...
My Asleep Foot
“Oh god. Oh my god.”
“What, is your foot asleep?”
“How’d you know?”
“You sit like an asshole and it makes your foot fall asleep.”
“Honey, it kills and I can’t walk on it and I have to go to the bathroom immediately.”
“You want me to carry you to the bathroom.”
“Just … just escort me.”
“Say it. You want me. To carry you. To the bathroom.”
“Please hurry.”
“I will do this—stop...
The Cocktail I Just Invented
Dear Suddenly Stop Caring,
Do you like the name I came up with for you? I don’t think Raspberry Lemonade Crystal Light + Whatever The Cheapest Vodka Is is a standard cocktail so it fell upon me to christen you. Other ideas I came up with during the three-hour whiteboard session: Me Time, Wild Commute, Will You Please Just Shut Up, Uncle Boris’ Problem Eraser.
You are delightfully pink and...
Koala Hugs
GIRAFFE: Hey koala!
KOALA: What’s up, giraffe!
GIRAFFE: Do you like eucalyptus yes or no!
KOALA: How about stopping it with the stupid questions!
GIRAFFE: ANSWER ME
KOALA: Dude, yes. Duh. Of course.
GIRAFFE: Well I just so happen to have a big thing of eucalyptus right over here.
KOALA: ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
GIRAFFE: Straight up.
KOALA: Then let’s get down to business!
...
These Jeans
Did the title of this review put a certain Heart song in your head? How about now? Moving on, these jeans have not been washed in a really really—OK enough, we’ve been through too much shit over the years for me to sugarcoat things now. These jeans have never been washed.
God it feels so good to finally say the words. I don’t know. I was breaking them in for a while, and then they missed a...
The Treadmill
Hey there, guy doing creepy squats. And a good evening to you, mama. No big whoop, just here to blow this treadmill’s mind. Excuse me a sec while I tear away my tearaway pants—kazaam! Go ahead. Take a nice long look at my moisture-wicking short shorts. Imprint them in your mind so you have a clear image to work with later tonight as you light some candles, punch open a box of vino, draw a...
Apple Cider Vinegar
My brother sets down the shot glass he bought with 500 skee-ball tickets. It says Drink ‘Til He’s Cute. He pours a generous amount of apple cider vinegar and slides the glass over to me. “Drink it,” he hisses.
“That is vinegar,” I say. “That is for jellyfish stings and vaginal irrigation.”
“Oh so you want head lice. You want syphilis. You...
February 2011
9 posts
My Thighs
Have you seen my thighs? Of course you haven’t but if you did, you’d want to get them tattooed on your thighs, as a constant reminder of their sublimity. Would your thigh tattoo sometimes make you sad, because your thighs look so lame in comparison? Yes, of course. But sometimes it’s good to be sad and anyway the image of my thighs will soon cheer you up.
“Your thighs are like twin pistons of...
The Morning Of February 26, 2011
I awaken—gently, like a newborn bird—on the floor of my kitchen. My face is full of stories.
“Last night you asked a girl if she wanted to take the J train to aw hell I’m bad at metaphors can we just intercourse each other for like six minutes,” say my eyes, “and she threw Cholula hot sauce in me.”
“I think we ate a couple of squirrel tails,” my mouth...
This Thing Of Chapstick
Come closer, mon petit chou. I have generously applied deodorant that smells like a lumberjack fresh out of a clear mountain stream. I have swished mouthwash until it burned my gums like a sexual fire. I didn’t floss because come on, really? But I did shave. Everywhere. And I got in there real good with a Q-tip. I am ready to receive your makeouts.
No, wait! I forgot the glistening cherry atop...
The Smell In This Rental Car
It is a heady bouquet, with rich aerosol overtones redolent of synthetic mango or perhaps the “Tropical Ecstasy” scented candle that Nana keeps next to the toilet. And do I … yes, I do believe I detect a hint of urine. Human urine, if I’m not mistaken—and I’m not!
But wait, the odors continue to reveal themselves, each one dancing ‘pon my senses like—is that...
The Haircut I Just Got
For years I went to Supercuts where stoned trainees would take one look at my cowlick and panic and shave all my hair off and ruin my chances with the ladies for like six weeks j/k I have never known the touch of a woman aside from a sympathetic pat on the shoulder accompanied by the words yeah no.
I then decided to man up and go to an old school barber. I liked to pretend I was on my lunchbreak...
This Steak I Got Here
It was my birthday a few weeks ago—yeah thanks for nothing, nope, too late, I’m all cried out—and I got a bunch of steaks from my parents, along with some whiskey. I choose to think this is a reflection of my inherent manliness as opposed to an effort to force manliness upon me RIGHT YOU GUYS? Ow I think I just sprained my wrist typing in all caps like that. Seriously look, it’s...
This 6:30pm Meeting
How did it come to this. I think everyone can agree we all made some serious wrong turns in our lives to be sitting here right now, talking about the fusion of buy-side and sell-side commerce and an integrated supply chain, enhanced through the integration of community, collaboration, process and analytics, delivered within an industry context.
You. Frank. What did you think you’d be at this...
Elevator Improv
I enjoyed this post by Erica and was equally delighted when soon afterward I found myself embroiled in my own little elevator improv! Let’s watch:
[SCENE: Me and two bros get on the elevator. I press 17. The bros keep gabbing away as the elevator ascends.]
BRO 1: Oh snap I should probably press my floor.
BRO 2: LOL
BRO 1: [to me] Did you think we were just following you?
ME: Oh...